Traumatic Pet Loss: Accidents, Mistakes, and Behavioral Euthanasia

The topic I am writing about today will be sensitive, involving traumatic pet loss. No details will be shared, but it can be hard for people to read about such things. Please use caution.

Some types of traumatic loss include the unexpected loss of a pet due to an avoidable accident, or making a humane decision to behaviorally euthanize a pet. There is something different about traumatic pet loss.

There are at least two aspects of grief when a pet dies in difficult circumstances:

1) experiencing the actual pain at the loss of a loved one, and

2) the guilt/shame/fear/shock that accompanies a traumatic loss. Often, pet guardians become stuck in the guilt and shame aspects of loss, and find themselves unwilling or unable to grieve because "I don't deserve to grieve".

Unfortunately, there may be a time when a delayed home repair, a missed cue, a dismissed concern, or inadequate supervision unintentionally leads to the death of a loved pet family member. When an accident happens, and there are many kinds, those involving owner responsibility are among the most difficult to bear. Even though we all have had accidents in our lives, the losses of others due to our actions or non-actions make it difficult to forgive ourselves. This lack of forgiveness of self challenges our ability to experience the actual grief about losing a best friend. In these circumstances, there can be a shroud of secrecy over everything, as sharing the details can be devastating and even feel shameful.

Similarly, behavioral euthanasia is a secret that few families and individuals feel they can speak about. These decisions are usually made with animal behaviorists and specialty trainers. Owners of challenging pets, by the time they make this difficult decision, have twisted their lives into knots trying to help their pet. Hours of training and consultation, practice, and scary moments generally precede this decision.

Families struggle with all of the "what-if-we-had-only" thoughts and the awareness that many will not understand why behavioral euthanasia was the right decision. It is NEVER the first resort and is usually the last decision a pet guardian will make on behalf of their pet, other pets, and people. Guardians never want to make this decision. When relief sometimes follows after this period, it can make the guilt even more pronounced. This easily prevents fully grieving the loss of a beloved animal family member.

Here is a message to those of you who have experienced

a traumatic loss:

You have a right to grieve, no matter the circumstances. Grief is so big and unpredictable when compared to the simplicity of feeling guilt. Sometimes guilt interrupts sadness simply because it is protecting you from feeling the deep grief you might be feeling. You did the best you could, and if you could have done something differently or better, you would have.

It can help to ask yourself: What were all the moments when I was a great pet caretaker? What do I need to believe in order to forgive myself and to let myself grieve? Even if it seems like a silly question, what would your pet say to you about your whole life together?

If you are interested in participating in a one-night support group for people who have experienced the traumatic loss of a pet, please send along an email message. kate@lifeinthebond.com